One word, Abbey: GOOGLE. It saves you from sharing embarrassing - if human - information. Got an unpleasant genital itch? GOOGLE IT. Can’t figure out the best way to “tone a tummy that has been stretched to the ends of the earth”? (emphasis mine) GOOOOGLE IT. Or, pick up the freaking phone. Facebook is not a Stretch Mark Q&A forum board.

I’m not saying I don’t feel for you. Having a baby throws a woman’s body into a dark and mysterious place - a place one cannot entirely predict. Stretch marks are a natural and expected part of the process. That said, the person who submitted this Facebook convo modestly noted that none of these women was exactly ‘petite’ before she had kids. Which drains me of any remaining sympathy. Face facts, ladies: You’re never going to be Heidi Klum. So go holler at Amber’s sister Megan’s office to cut your skin off and keep the “grousom” details to yourselves. Thanks.

(submitted by Anonymous)