Ben Wyatt Fanfiction

*grabs mic, asks Tom to lay down a beat*

Loggin’ onto The AV Club and seeing news about new Trek
But it’s being produced by a guy we don’t respect
Now we’re here in the comments intensely debating
The inevitably-terrible series Alex Kurtzman is creating

But hey guys, let’s all try to stay optimistic
That’s the true Trek tone, its key characteristic
So in true Ben Wyatt style, I’m gonna lay out logistics
and determine whether or not this new show could be artistic

We’ll start with Kurtzman’s first Trek effort, (two-thousand and nine)
It was shallow but fun, and proved Trek was still a gold mine
And though it beat out all of ENT in getting Star Trek details wrong
It told a solid, well-paced story (and it wasn’t too long)

But then Into Darkness came and we couldn’t trash it faster
Like Counselor Troi in command, it was a total disaster
From absurdly bad science to the way Kirk “died”
Not to mention it cast Khan Noonien Singh as a white guy

Now to be fair, in both those movies he was just one creative force
There was also JJ Abrams, a Truther, and the guy from Lost, of course
So it’s possible Alex had brilliant ideas that just weren’t done
Like Spock says, the needs of the many could’ve outweighed the one

So unless we get more news, that completes my inventory
But where’s that leave us? We still know nothing about the story!
Well, based on his past works, this new show will lack Star Trek’s core
Plus, his name’s not Bryan Fuller, Ira Behr, nor Ronald D. Moore

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “One Last Ride”)

GUINAN - 2391

“I’ve got a different idea of what to do with Ten Forward,” Guinan said to her husband, Ugmo, as she played with the new red streaks in her ridiculous frisbee hat. “I know you’ve been trying to teach Nausicaan culture to the rest of the Federation to better promote tolerance and understanding, and now you’ve got a classroom on the Federation flagship.”

Ugmo was stunned. “I… I don’t know what to say, Guinan. What about the bar?”

“Are you kidding? If you want people to attend a seminar on Nausicaan culture, you’re gonna want to serve synthehol.”

Guinan and Ugmo shared a passionate kiss, and then called a friend to join the celebration.

RO AND RIKER - 2397

Ro was struggling. She knew Will wanted kids, but while Bajoran labor is actually kind of a cake walk, Ro wasn’t sure if she was ready to raise a child. That’s when she talked to Beverly.

“I’ll be honest, Ro, I don’t know if you should have kids,” Beverly admitted. “But if you’re worried about not being able to do it, remember who you married. You’ve been living with a child for years now.”

“Prophets, you’re right,” Ro said. “WILL! LET’S DO THIS!”

“YES,” yelled Riker as he dashed back into their quarters, somehow having donned Burt Macklin sunglasses, lost his pants, and spilled spaghetti all over his uniform while being out of Ro’s sight for three and a half minutes.

Not long later, Ro and Riker had a beautiful baby girl, who they originally named Locutus Gul Madred Ru'afo Kahn Noonien Shinzon Crystalline Entity Laren-Riker. Since that wouldn’t fit on the birth certificate, they went with Crystal. Their baby grew up in a safe galaxy, thanks in large part to one of their good friends.

GEORDI - 2389

The expansion of Geordi’s Replicated Bistro eventually hit a Level 10 force field. One of his new locations on another starship was irrecovably altered after the ship passed through a strange anomaly, and the food from Geordi’s classy-as-s**t replicators started producing Omega molecules, causing massive damage to subspace. Fortunately, that level of power was exactly what Starfleet needed to fight The Borg. After further research was done, Starfleet was able to construct transphasic torpedoes based on the Omega food from Geordi’s replicators. Later, he gave a speech at the new Starfleet Academy on Tellar Prime.

“As much as you want to be successful in life, it’s how you handle failure that truly measures who you are,” Geordi declared to the crowd. “And I should know. My biggest failure saved the Alpha Quadrant.”

Geordi smiled as the crowd cheered. Saving their lives really was a baller move.

“There are many kinds of successful people in this world,” Geordi continued. “You’ve got your passionate Beverlys, analytical Datas, independent Ros, enthusiastic Rikers, your stalwart Worfs, your confident Guinans, and of course, your trend-setting Geordis. Just make sure of one thing - never, under any circumstances, are you to be a Barclay.”

BARCLAY - 2407

Barclay was elected Ambassador to the Beta Quadrant, a position he would hold for 7 terms. Cultures from both quadrants found common ground laughing whenever he was flatulent. With Barclay’s humility and ability to put aside the stress of his job by thinking about his beautiful, ageless Ba'Ku wife, he successfully oversaw the largest peace talks in galactic history. He passed quietly in his sleep, taking solace in the knowledge that for the final decades of his life, everyone knew his real name.

WORF - 2394

The Very Honorable Klingon Armada grew powerful under Worf’s steadfast leadership. Eventually the armada was strong enough to serve as the official defense fleet of the Klingon Empire, making the Klingons a force to be reckoned with once again. Deciding his work was done, Worf promptly resigned, leaving his secret brother Kurn in charge. After some guidance from Beverly, Worf decided to rejoin Starfleet, where he took command of his own starship. Not long afterwards, his ship’s warp field was thrown off by a quantum fissure, and he suddenly found several hundred other Worfs on his ship. Taking command of them all, Worf invited them to become his crew.

“As long as you perform your duties and treat each other with honor, you will have no problem from me,” Captain Worf declared. “That said, despite the fact that you are all me, I have no intention of getting to know any of you. End of speech.”

Worf sat back down in his captain’s chair, thinking about how he’d never be here with his perfect team if it hadn’t been for his longtime ship-acquaintance-person, Beverly.

BEVERLY AND DATA - 2396

Thanks to his emotion chip and recent successes, Data was feeling positive.

In addition to his successful career on the Federation Council, his latest Sherlock Holmes mystery holonovel had received such rave reviews as “the most frustratingly complex storytelling since ‘Frame of Mind’.” He was truly happy where he was. But then he got the call from Admiral Janeway. The current President of the Federation wasn’t going to run again, and Data was a perfect candidate. Data found the offer intriguing, but he decided to hold off on making a decision until he had discussed it with his wife.

Beverly, meanwhile, had her own share of successes. In addition to being Head of Starfleet Medical, she had just won the Carrington Award for her streamlined process of removing Borg implants from liberated drones, allowing for significantly faster physical recoveries. She was in the middle of trouncing Ronin the Scottish Ghost at charades when she got the call from Rear Admiral Sisko. The current President of the Federation wasn’t going to run again, and Beverly was a perfect candidate.

After a conversation more awkward and uncomfortable than the time Data thought it would be funny to push Beverly into an ocean of freezing cold holographic water, Beverly and Data decided they needed advice from their old friends.

EVERYONE, TOGETHER, ON THE BRIDGE - 2396

It didn’t take much to distract Beverly and Data from getting the guidance they needed, because the sight of their old friends together on the bridge of the Enterprise was overwhelming for something that used to be an everyday occurrance. Even Troi and Picard made it! Troi could sense how happy Beverly was to see her. The torso-crushing embrace was also a pretty strong hint.

“Oh, Troi, I’ve missed you so much,” Beverly said as she hugged her best friend. “You’re a beautiful soliton wave.”

Troi could sense that that was a compliment.

Data looked at his wife as she caught up with all of their friends, and he knew it needed to be her to run. He had grown an astonishing degree since he was first activated, enough to know that he doesn’t need to accomplish his every goal to find satisfaction in life. In a way, it was the most human decision Data ever made.

Having everyone together again seemed to transcend time itself. The past, present, and future all seemed to have came together, building to this moment.

“I can’t quite tell when we are right now,” Beverly admitted. “I know it seems silly, but is that even possible? Could anyone in the universe accomplish a moment like this?”

Data pondered for a moment. “Come to think of it, I do have a theory.”

Q and Q - ALWAYS AND NEVER

After changing the gravitational constant of the universe 17 too many times, Q and his sister Q faked their own deaths to avoid being executed by the rest of the Q Continuum. However, they were almost immediately discovered running scams tricking Starfleet captains into causing eruptions of Anti-Time. They were then executed by the rest of the Q Continuum.

* * * * * *

Thank you so very much for reading, for commenting, for upvoting, and for making me feel like my self-indulgent playground of Parks meets Star Trek brought a smile or two to what I’ve found to be one of the smartest, funniest, and geekiest pop culture communities on the internet. Thank you Alasdair Wilkins for always having an insightful and entertaining review every week (and the kind plug last week). And finally, thank you Parks and Rec writers, cast, and crew for maintaining a level of quality that kept me inspired to do this for three years. I’ll enjoy having the portion of my Thursday-then-Tuesday evenings back, but I’ve had a great time.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show/Two Funerals ”)

And now, the final episode of The Stevie Suss-Mahn Super Awesome Jazz Implosion Show!

STARRING
William Riker as STEVIE SUSS-MAHN
Beverly Crusher as HERSELF
Worf, son of [Redacted] as KLINGON WARRIOR WORF
Ro Laren-Riker as RO LAREN-RIKER-SUSS-MAHN
Reginald Barclay as COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER BARCLAY
and Guinan as “THE ADMIRAL”

Brought to You By Seeking To Better Ourselves and The Rest of Humanity, Because There Are No Companies Left In the 24th Century

INT. STEVIE SUSS-MAHN SHOW MAIN SET - DAY

STEVIE SUSS-MAHN enters in his Starfleet-issue combat training gear.

STEVIE: Hi, kids of the Enterprise! I’m Stevie Suss-Mahn, and welcome to the Stevie Suss-Mahn Super Awesome Jazz Implosion Show! All righty, let’s get this show started! Now let’s just grab my trombone and… what?! (he notices the trombone is missing) Where’s my trombone?

RO hurries in, worried.

RO: I don’t know, Stevie, did you put it in Counselor Troi’s old quarters so you’d have an excuse to go in there again?

STEVIE: No, Ro Laren-Riker-Suss-Mahn, I did not. And seriously, it was one time, and it was an accident!

RO: Well, you’ve got a missing trombone, so it looks like we need to call a certain someone for help! But who could that be?

STEVIE: (puts on sunglasses) Burt Macklin. Section 31.

FADE TO: INT. BURT MACKLIN’S OFFICE - PROBABLY NIGHT

BURT MACKLIN, in his Section 31 jacket and sunglasses, sits at his desk, looking both suspiciously like Stevie Suss-Mahn and all kinds of badass.

THE ADMIRAL enters, in uniform. A lone SAXOPHONE plays in the background.

THE ADMIRAL: Macklin. I’ve got a case for you.

BURT MACKLIN: Was it, Admiral? I only just got back from stealing The Dominion’s… rubies… for you, but I think I could go for one more mission. After all, this has been my absolute favorite thing to do ever.

THE ADMIRAL: Good, cause I know who’s got your trombone, and it’s gonna take everything you’ve got to defeat the guy who’s got it.

BURT MACKLIN: Who is it?

VOICE #1 (O.S.): Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I think you know, Bernie Mac, Forever 21.

VOICE #2 (O.S.): Q, I told you, his name’s supposed to be Burt Macklin, Section 31.

VOICE #1 (O.S.): Then who am I playin’, playa?

VOICE #2 (O.S.): You’re playing yourself, Q, now get out there and say your line right.

VOICE #1 (O.S.): You got it, Geordi-my-Lordy.

Q enters.

Q: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, I think you know, Burt Macklin, Section 31.

Burt Macklin springs up, immediately reaching for his weapon, but pulling out a PADD instead.

BURT MACKLIN: Q! Drop your… wait, where’s my phaser? This is my new day planner. By the way, thanks Beverly for giving me that, I don’t know how I lost it earlier. You guys have all been so awesome, I’m really gonna miss you.

Q: What are you going to do, Burt? You’re nowhere near closed to being (inhales deeply) FLUUUUUUUUSHED with OMNIIIIIIIPOTEEEEEEEEENCE!

BURT MACKLIN: I don’t need an optometrist to defeat you, Q. I’ve got my Photonic Cannon Portable, or PCP for short.

Q: Hey, I can do whatever I want baby! I’ll just snap my fingers (he does so) and your PCP will appear right in my… what the snapple?!

Burt Macklin’s PADD suddenly appears in Q’s hand. Burt Macklin now holds his Photonic Cannon Portable.

Q: Ohhh Snapple, how did that even happen?!

BURT MACKLIN: I don’t know. I’ll probably ask Science Officer IntelligentMind about it later. Right now, prepare to feel the effects of my PCP.

Burt Macklin fires, disintegrating Q.

Q: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY?! Why.

Q dissolves into nothingness.

BURT MACKLIN: Another case solved by Burt Macklin, Section 31. This has seriously been the best day ever, you guys.

Ro enters.

RO: Will?

BURT MACKLIN: Babe? Babe, I’m in character, call me Burt Macklin.

RO: Will, are you sure you’re okay with going with me to Starfleet Academy?

BURT MACKLIN: Babe. Ro. I love you. The whole time I’ve been on the Enterprise, I’ve just kept getting opportunities to leave for a new adventure, but I’ve always ended up staying put. For the longest time I didn’t know what was keeping me here. If there was something I’d lost here that was keeping me from moving on.

TROI: Well, you’re older, more experienced. A little more… seasoned.

RO: God, shut up, Troi! What are you even doing here?!

BURT MACKLIN: But I figured it out my reason to finally leave the Enterprise. Because I wanna go where you go. You’re my adventure, Ro. I love you.

RO: I love you too.

THE ADMIRAL: Best. Series Finale. Ever.

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOG, SUPPLEMENTAL: After a several-week search, we have at last recovered Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge. Apparently he took a trip to Risa with his new fiancee, Leah Brahms. Really wish he’d have let us know that. We were worried we had accidentally created a slowly-collapsing pocket universe in which people were suddenly disappearing one at a time.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “ Ms. Ludgate-Dwyer Goes To Washington/Pie-Mary ”)

Ro felt lost.

She was en route to a conference on Deep Space Nine, partly to do a favor for Beverly and partly to figure out if there was something else she wanted to do with her life. The shuttle flight to the station was not going well.

“…and I think if you play up your experience with the Occupation, I think you might even be able to take over the First Officer position of the station,” Beverly explained as she walked Ro through a recently revised PADD detailing Beverly’s 5-year-plan for Ro.

“I don’t really know if I want to work for the Bajoran Provisional Government,” Ro replied, hesitantly.

“Okay, well, I hear Voyager is docked there for the conference. I bet if you played up your Starfleet experience you could easily get a Senior Officer position over there. How do you feel about Engineering?”

“I just don’t like the idea of committing to anything regular right now,” Ro sighed. “I just want a job that lets me judge people, find creative ways to make problems for them, and shoot them with phasers. How is there nothing like that out there?”

“I don’t know, but when we get to DS9, I have a Ferengi named Rom on retainer to replicate a new PADD once I figure out a new path for you.”

“Great…” Ro replied, feigning enthusiasm so badly that not even a Vulcan would consider it a genuine emotional response.

Meanwhile, Riker had roped Data and Worf into searching for a position Ro.

“C'mon, Worf, can’t Ro come work for you?” Riker pleaded. “She wants a job that lets her make problems with people, and she’s great at shooting people!”

“That’s very true,” Worf admitted. “However, serving on a Klingon ship means eating Klingon food. Is she all right with-”

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” Riker replied. “Ro does not like gagh, trust me. She didn’t even like Geordi’s mini Targ burgers at Guinan’s wedding. Also, you only get to judge people if you’re on the High Council.”

“Very well, let’s see if Data can find something for her then.”

Data twitched his head, processing.

“The Daystrom Institute is opening a new branch researching new technologies to fight the Borg,” Data suggested. “Perhaps Ro would be helpful there.”

On Deep Space Nine, Beverly and Ro’s meeting with Kai Winn was going great.

“…so that’s why if we had the Kai’s blessing, we would have a lot more support going through the wormhole and appealing to the Gamma Quadrant for help against The Borg,” Ro concluded.

“Hmm, and you agree with this, Beverly?” asked the Kai in a tone sounding half comforting and half like she really needed to pee and thought being calm would help her hold it in.

“Definitely,” Beverly replied. “This is the Beverly Crusher plan.”

After the meeting, Ro couldn’t take it anymore.

“I don’t want your plan, Beverly,” Ro confessed, her frustration and panic so clear that a Vulcan would easily consider it an emotional response. “I don’t want to do this. I like Starfleet, but I don’t like being the idea of a senior officer on a ship, shouting the same technical crap week after week.”

“I… I can’t believe…” Beverly didn’t even know how to react. It did not help that at that exact moment, a goofy-looking Ferengi approached them holding a newly-replicated PADD. “Not now, Rom. I guess Ro doesn’t want this anymore.”

Beverly walked away, leaving Ro alone on a bench, staring out at the wormhole. It would have been a pretty dramatic act break if it wasn’t for Rom.

Over at the Daystrom Institute, Data’s idea was clearly not going to work.

“My apologies, Will,” Data said, placing a supportive hand on Riker’s shoulder. “It appears the Daystrom Institute was captured by The Borg.”

“I had this whole visual presentation for how awesome she is, too,” Riker remorsed. “I guess I won’t need these photon grenades and phaser rifles.”

“No you will not,” Worf replied.

Back on Deep Space Nine, Beverly had apologized for her overreaction, but Ro turned Beverly toward a window, facing toward Earth.

“You, Beverly, you’re dealing with an impossible situation trying to solve this Borg problem,” Ro said. “But you inspired me to figure out what I want to do. Create impossible situations for other people.”

“Well, that is very you, Ro,” Beverly admitted. “What do you have in mind?”

“I want to teach at the new Starfleet Academy on Tellar Prime,” Ro said, excited. “If I teach Security, I get to shoot people with phasers during combat exercises, I get to design the Kobayashi Maru test to force all my students to deal with impossible situations, and I’ll get to judge them all when they fail at both of those things. Plus, Tellarites look like little pig people and they love arguing, so I’ll really enjoy laughing at them.”

“Oh, Ro,” Beverly said, turning to face her mentee. “I think you’ll be great, and even though you don’t need my help at all, I have something for you.”

“What is it?”

Beverly handed Ro a PADD, thanking Rom, who was already standing right next to them. Ro stared at Beverly in disbelief.

“Already?!”

“Already,” Beverly replied, smiling. “Thanks as always for the rushed order, Rom.”

“No problem, Beverly,” Rom replied. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… bye.”

Ro hugged Beverly with enthusiasm a Vulcan might even find inspiring. It would have been a pretty heartwarming end to the story if it wasn’t for Rom.

* * *

Something about the way Lieutenant Barclay kept accidentally beaming his personal belongs through the transporter pattern buffer only to then accidentally let their patterns degrade brought back so many memories for Guinan. After so many years of watching his incompetence, it really made it worth tricking everyone into calling Barclay by his real name.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “Donna and Joe”)

Guinan had been waiting to be the center of the story for years. But when she realized her family was going to be involved - even her stupid brother-in-law, Soran, who she hated - Guinan was starting to worry.

“Ro, I chose you as my Matron of Honor for a reason,” Guinan said, sternly. “You are the only woman on this ship who can handle my family. You must make sure Soran does not blow up any stars. I want my wedding to the Nausicaan mercenary Ugmo to be drama-free. Understand?”

“Sure, I actually weirdly care about this,” Ro replied. “Plus, there’s no way Soran’s idea of fun would be remotely satisfying.”

Meanwhile, Geordi was scrambling for Worf to shut his Rokeg blood pie hole. Geordi was really hitting it off with Leah Brahms (after many practice dates with a holographic Leah Brahms), but Worf had managed to make things awkward when he bluntly stated exactly what Geordi had told him.

“Worf, when I said I wanted to marry Leah, build a new starship with her, reconfigure its main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse to create a rift in the space time continuum, then travel through that rift with to the future to play with all the advanced technology, I told you that in confidence,” Geordi explained as he cut Worf off from the trays of little Targ burgers. “You can’t just tell that to Leah, she’ll think I’m crazy!”

“Perhaps you should simply tell her how you feel,” Worf replied. “I have never lied in my life. Except for all those times I lied to cover up my secret alter ego as Klingon Opera Star Chancellor Silver. But apart from that, I have never lied. Oh, and when I pretended to eat Captain Picard’s salad when no one was looking directly at me. Oh, and when I pathetically attempted to make one of my ex-wives think they stole decoy gold-pressed latinum. Oh, and throughout my entire childhood when my foster father asked if I was going to the plant to build up a skillset as a noncommissioned crew member of Starfleet, when I was really attending Starfleet Academy to study starship security and operations. Oh, and… my point is… I lie on a very infrequent basis.”

“Fix this, or no little Targ burgers, Worf,” Geordi insisted. “Fix this.”

Guinan’s wedding was going surprisingly drama free. Soran hadn’t made an appearance, and before the ceremony even began, Ensign Ro threatened every guest that her husband Will Riker said was being a “nicey-meany.”

“If you guys don’t cut it out and give Guinan a drama-free wedding, I will inflict terror on you on a scale TEN TIMES as massive as the occupation of Bajor,” Ro scolded to them. “And I would know.”

But Guinan was actually starting to regret how awesome Ro was at intimidating people. Maybe a little drama wouldn’t be so bad.

“Nobody’s fighting each other, everyone’s happy and boring,” Guinan said to her fiance, Ugmo. “It’s like Gene Roddenberry’s vision of 24th Century humanity all over again.”

Fortunately, Ugmo was the kind of Nausicaan who knew exactly what Guinan needed, so he tracked down Ro and the two of them hatched a little scheme.

Meanwhile, Geordi finally told Leah how he really felt.

“I know what Worf told you, and I’ve been trying to think of a way to go back in time to prevent him from telling you that, but I reached the conclusion that I should just tell you that everything Worf said, it’s totally true,” Geordi admitted. “Not that we have to do any of those things right now, but maybe eventually? I’m kind of in love with you, Leah.”

Leah stood there, pondering for a moment.

“What is it,” Geordi asked. “Did I just make it even worse?”

“I just thought of at least seven different ways you could go back in time to prevent him from telling me that,” Leah said. “But I’d prefer that you didn’t.”

“This is why we belong together,” Geordi said, smiling. “I’m thinking we should go to the 26th Century. The Enterprise-J looks like a baller starship.”

A few hours later, Riker came running up to Guinan.

“Guinan, Guinan! I just wanted to warn you that your stupid brother-in-law Soran is here!” he exclaimed, somehow coming off as frantic and playful at the same time.

Soran walked into Ten Forward, carring a large remote control.

“Hello, Guinan,” Soran said. “We both know what this is about. But I don’t have time to rehash the microwave incident. I have an appointment with eternity, and I don’t want to be late.”

Soran’s last sentence prompted a collective “ugh” from the entire wedding reception, but Soran ignored it and pushed a button on his remote control. Everyone rushed to the windows to see a nearby star explode, causing a red energy ribbon to suddenly change course toward the Enterprise.

Guinan looked over at Ro and Ugmo, annoyed.

“I wanted a little drama,” Guinan explained. “Not blowing up a star.”

“Sorry,” Ugmo replied, staring at the floor in shame.

* * *

Beverly and Data’s lives are gross. Admiral Janeway’s life is not gross. She’s going to go do whatever she wants, because she has no kids.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “ Gryzzlbox/Save JJ’s”)

Beverly and Data were freaking out, and because Data had his emotion chip now, that statement was no exaggeration.

They were lying in bed in their quarters on the Enterprise, when all of a sudden, a beverage of unidentified green liquid materialized on their respective nightstands, followed by an announcement on the comm system saying “Enjoy your drinks, Data and Beverly! We know you wanted them. Qapla’!”

“How did this happen?,” Beverly asked, worried.

“I don’t know,” Data replied, slowly reaching out to his drink. “Computer, identify the source of this transport and communique.”

“Your present is brought to you by Gr'ZZy'l,” the computer replied.

“Gr'ZZy'l,” Beverly exclaimed, struggling to pronounce such a Klingon name. “The big Klingon Empire lobby that Worf’s armada works for?”

“Apparently so,” Data replied, giving the drink a test sip. “It is… it is green. Somehow Gr'ZZy'l were aware that I was using my dream program to replay the time I consumed alcoholic beverages with Montgomery Scott, and believed it necessary to transport the primary beverage he and I shared to our quarters.”

“How do they know exactly what we want at any given time?” Beverly asked, frustrated. “Until we figure this out, we need to activate transport inhibitors to prevent this from happening again.”

Immediately after Beverly finished speaking, a set of transport inhibitors materialized in their quarters, which then proceeded to activate on their own.

Beverly proceeded to scream. “How do they know, Data?! HOW DO THEY KNOW?!”

“Computer,” Data said. “Have any other spontaneous transports of beverages or other subconsciously desired items occured on the ship?”

“Negative,” the computer replied. “There have been no other spontaneous transports of beverages or other subconsciously desired items occured on the ship.”

“I got it at ‘Negative,’ thanks,” Data muttered, enjoying his newfound understanding of sarcasm. “Clearly Gr'ZZy'l only have access to information stored in my neural net.”

“My god, they’re tapping into your own memory banks to win you over to their cause,” Beverly exclaimed. “They’re Data-mining you!”

“…How long were you waiting to use that,” Data asked.

“Long enough, honey,” Beverly replied, quite pleased with herself. “Long enough. So what are we going to do about Gr'ZZy'l? This is just going to keep happening until we’ve reached some kind of compromise about Rura Penthe.”

“Let’s worry about that in the morning,” Data replied. “Worf will hate the security risk of his people’s tactics on principle. In the meantime, I have a solution for the rest of the night. Data to Bridge. Shields up.”

* * *

If anyone’s interested, I’ve been thinking of doing a short The Wire fan film since I walked through this one part of town. If you’re near Pawnee and interested in acting, please let me know, because right now I’ve just got Perd Hapley asking to play Stringer Bell.

Please don’t force me to cast Perd Hapley as Stringer Bell.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “Leslie and Ron/William Henry Harrison”)

If Beverly was in charge of a tractor beam, it would have been locking onto straws.

She and Worf of the Very Honorable Klingon Armada were competing over the same abandoned planet, Rura Penthe. Formerly a Klingon prison planet, the after The Borg effectively crippled the Empire, the Empire was forced to stop maintaining it. But the location of the planet in the post-Collective Alpha Quadrant made it ideal as a base of operations for either reforming the Empire, or retaking Sector 001.

In order for Beverly to even begin to make a case for the Federation to have legal claim to the planet, she had to convince the Federation, Ferengi, Romulan, and Cardassian Coalition that Rura Penthe was an important piece in Federation history. Though Worf had the upper hand given the planet’s previous owners, he was not looking forward to bringing in a Klingon celebrity to help further legitimize his cause.

“I still think Emperor Kahless is the wrong decision,” Worf argued to Guinan, who had left the Federation to get further away from The Borg, and Geordi, who was being forced against his will to provide information to the Klingons. It wasn’t the first time, and it wasn’t going to be the last.

“Look, it’s not that Kahless is a great Klingon celeb to be the face of our efforts,” Geordi argued. “It’s that your other options are terrible. I mean, Kang? All he does is drink bloodwine, sing songs, and pine for the old days of straightforward carnage and conquest. B'Elanna Torres doesn’t even want to be Klingon in the first place, she’ll just sabotage your whole operation. Your brother carried weight, but you had to go and dishonor your whole family for the seventh time and make him erase his identity and all the clout that went with it. Martok’s dead, Gowron’s dead, Gowron’s mentally challenged brother quit politics to act in VCR board games, there’s no one else in the empire left. I mean with Kahless, when Beverly inevitably brings up Kirk’s prison time on Rura Penthe, you can talk about Kahless’s great battle with Kirk and Abraham Lincoln.”

“That is true, and crushing Beverly is indeed important,” Worf admitted reluctantly. “Very well, let us contact Emperor Kahless.”

Meanwhile, Beverly was running out of ideas.

“Kirk and McCoy didn’t even commit the crime they were sent there for,” Beverly replied to Tarclay pitching an idea. “To bring all that up again would just tarnish their legacy. Plus, I’m sure they’re gonna bring up Kahless and that whole Abe Lincoln thing, and then it just becomes ‘he said, she said, Abe Lincoln said.’ No, what we need is another person from Federation history connected to Rura Penthe that doesn’t matter enough to be more than a historical footnote but matters enough for us to make a case.”

Tarclay wracked his brain. “Oh. Oh no,” he said, suddenly having a thought.

“What is it, did you get an idea?”

“Yeah, but, no, you don’t want to go with this,” Tarclay said, hesitant. “Are you sure we can’t talk about my new filing system? I’m certified now!”

“Tarclay, just tell me the idea,” Beverly said, getting frustrated.

Data walked in with a PADD.

“Hey Beverly, can you sign this fo-”

“Not now, Data, I’m listening to Tarclay’s idea! Tarclay, come on.”

Tarclay took a deep breath. “…Jonathan Archer.”

“…Who?”

“Jonathan Archer, Captain of the first Enterprise. He was a prisoner on Rura Penthe for a little bit in the 22nd Century before he escaped.”

Beverly stared, dumbfounded. “…Kirk captained the first Enterprise.”

“Yeah, well, Archer captained the Enterprise before that one.”

“Whatever,” Beverly said, long having given up on any other options. “Did he do anything significant?”

“Beverly, if you can just sign the form…”

“Data, I’m not signing that until Worf signs it. What did Archer do, Tarclay?”

“Well, he did bring an end to the Temporal Cold War before it began.”

“So that never happened?”

“Nope.”

“Then how do we know about it?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Did he do anything else of note?”

“Um, well, there was the whole double-genocide-by-inaction thing, but that was mostly Phlox’s idea,” Tarclay admitted.

“Crap. Well, we’ve got nothing else, so let’s put something together.”

“BEVERLY!” Data yelled. “Clearly I have been deactivated and something has somehow triggered my dream program, because all I need my wife to do is place her thumb on this PADD for two seconds, and she is refusing to do so until her arch nemesis does.”

“Well, I’m not growing mouths on my collarbone, so it must be real life, honey,” Beverly retorted. “You want that form signed, get Worf to sign it first.”

“Computer, activate site-to-site transport,” Data said.

Beverly disappeared in the shimmer of the transporter beam. When she rematerialized, she found herself stuck in Sickbay, which was completely empty, except for…“

"Worf!” Beverly exclaimed in surprise and anger.

“Beverly.”

Data’s voice sounded over the comm system. “You two are locked in there for the rest of the night. You have until 0800 hours tomorrow to stop hating each other.”

Beverly and Worf locked gazes, neither one willing to back down.

* * * SEVERAL HOURS LATER * * *

Worf sat against the main biobed, Beverly across from him, both of them quite exhausted.

“I am sorry about what happened to Wesley,” Worf finally said. “I deeply regret not being there. I might have been able to lead an away team to recover him from the Collective.”

“Even if you did, I don’t know if I’d have been able to save him,” Beverly admitted. “I haven’t been in Sickbay since I took the First Officer position. I don’t know if I’d even be capable of the surgery required to remove all that Borg technology. Hell, I don’t even know if he survived the battle long enough to be assimilated. I just don’t know, Worf. I just don’t…”

Beverly huddled next to Worf, finally letting herself break down. Worf grew uncomfortable.

“It will be all right,” Worf said. “We will restore things to how they were, Beverly, I swear to you. Let’s start with our friendship.”

“I hate just saying your name,” said the clearly overwhelmed Beverly. “Woooooooorf. It’s like a place to dock ships.”

Worf sighed. It was always better to just let her tire herself out.

* * *

In the end, the best presentation centered around Jonathan Archer ended up being a museum project dedicated to remembering all the terrible acts committed by the first Captain of the Enterprise, so that the same mistakes are never made again. The Coalition hasn’t made a decision yet, but at least it wasn’t any worse an idea than Kahless pitching Rura Penthe’s icy climate to refrigerate a new brand of bloodwine made distinct by being wine made of - wait for it - blood.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “2017/Ron and Jammy”)

Commander Beverly Crusher was not looking forward to the Babel Conference.

The Enterprise was en route to the planet historically known for hosting peace conferences. Captain Data was scheduled to be the keynote speaker, but Beverly had another agenda. Part of the Babel Conference was debating ongoing cooperative strategy to combat The Borg, who had been occupying the Alpha Quadrant for the last six months. Beverly’s goal was to convince the representatives from the Federation, the remnants of the Romulan Star Empire, the remnants of the Cardassian Empire, and the Ferengi Alliance to dedicate resources to retaking Earth from The Borg.

“This is my destiny, Data,” Beverly exclaimed, nervous and frantic. “If I can retake Earth and terraform it back to its original beauty, that would be my ultimate accomplishment. I could potentially consider the possibility of thinking about maybe retiring. Perhaps.”

“Just as long as the person I can’t mention by name doesn’t attempt to claim those resources,” replied Data, who gained the ability to use contractions two years ago after a mission to Celtris III. “He’ll be making a case too.”

“I know, just don’t mention his name or his stupid forehead.”

“Hey, Beverly, I couldn’t find the holoimage of a re-terraformed Earth you asked for, but I could find some Andorian antennae-centric pornography,” said a voice from behind them.

“Damnit, Crewman Ed, I relieved you of duty!” Beverly yelled, furious that her visual presentation was ruined.

“Sorry, you’re right,” Crewman Ed admitted with a strange enthusiasm. “If anyone needs me, I will be in the Jeffries tubes!”

Just as Ed beamed away, a certain Klingon beamed right in his place.

“Hello, Beverly,” Worf said, stoic as ever.

“Hello, buttforehead,” Beverly replied, barely containing her fury.

Worf had left the Enterprise after The Borg crippled the Klingon Empire in their invasion of the Alpha Quadrant. Resigning from Starfleet to form a Klingon armada from the Empire’s remaining ships, Worf now commanded the Very Honorable Klingon Armada. But his resignation brought Beverly great anger.

“You know as well as I do that the Very Honorable Klingon Armada needs resources just as much as you do, Beverly,” said Worf. “If The Borg are to be driven from the Alpha Quadrant, the strength of the Klingons will be required.”

“Is your little fleet really more important than Earth?” Beverly retorted. “If you got those resources, what would you really do with them, go back to conquering?”

“This is all about the Morningstar, isn’t it?”

“How dare you bring that up,” Beverly growled, her wrath only contained by her Android husband holding her back with his unmatched physical strength. “You abandoned us! You abandoned me!”

Two weeks after Worf left, The Borg assimilated Beverly’s son Wesley Crusher, who was serving on the U.S.S. Morningstar. If Worf was still Chief Tactical Officer by the time the Enterprise arrived, Wesley and the Morningstar might have been saved from what might have seemed like fate worse than death if it hadn’t been for Voyager.

“I am working to bring security to the entire Alpha Quadrant, not just that of the Enterprise!” Worf shouted.

“I’m afraid both of your problems’ve just grown much larger, y'hear?” interrupted Data, who was clearly making up for lost time with the whole contractions thing. “Look at who’s representing the Ferengi Alliance.”

Liquidator Jamm sat down at his chair next to Senator Neral from New Romulus and Legate Madred of Cardassia Prime.

“Gentlemen, Ladies wearing clothes for some reason. Let’s hear your pitches,” Jamm sneered, his grotesque Ferengi appearance made all the more worse by his new girlfriend Ba'el having forced him to grow a thick, groomed facial hair, as well as glue Klingon ridges to his forehead.

“Yeah, Worf, let’s hear all about what you really want,” Ba'el said while rubbing her genetalia with the sharp ends of a bat'leth.

Worf and Beverly exchanged glances of mutual concern.

“Temporary truce?” Beverly asked.

“Agreed,” the Klingon replied, consistent as ever.

* * *

“Ah, Babel,” Riker said to Geordi, admiring the view. “Home planet of the Pakleds.”

“That’s not anywhere close to the truth,” Geordi corrected.

“Look at that giant trampoline! No wonder they call it pleasure planet.”

“That’s Risa.”

“Man, Geordi, you really know your planets. Not like these Babelians, always getting high on paradise spores.”

“Let’s just head out, Will.”

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “Moving Up”)

To say that Doctor Crusher was feeling conflicted would be the biggest understatement since Qo'noS Gazette reporter M'Glos referred to the late Chancellor Gowron’s eyes as “somewhat large.”

She was considering taking a job on Andor as part of heading up Starfleet Medical’s Plantary Terraforming Medical Complications Department, which would make her responsible for the medical requirements of all terraforming projects in Federation space. It was quite a step up from Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise followed by Head of Starfleet Medical for a year followed by Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise. Still, it would mean leaving the Enterprise while it still had dozens of Ex-Borg patients that needed rehabilitation, and with Counselor Troi gone, there was a chance to really help these people.

“Data, I don’t know what I should do,” she confessed. “The last few years of my career have been defined by either staying on or leaving the Enterprise.”

“I cannot make the decision for you, Doctor,” Data replied. “But I can say that you are the perfect individual for the Terraforming project.”

Meanwhile, Geordi was rushing to open up his newest idea, Geordi’s Replicated Bistro, a classy-as-**** restaurant using his latest replication technology. Weirdly enough, inviting celebrities to hang out there for a night was all it took to make it a wild success. Q and Q’s father Q even wanted to invest!

Beverly finally did decide to take the job, but she also managed to convince Starfleet Medical that she could do this job from Enterprise.

“This ship is my home, and since my husband is now Captain with the events of Captain Picard’s promotion to Admiral and Commander Riker’s career change to playing trombone for children, the Enterprise can oversee any planet being terraformed,” she argued. “And have you been to Geordi’s Replicated Bistro?”

The Andorian flared his antennae, but nodded in agreement.

* * * THREE YEARS LATER * * *

After unceremoniously firing Crewman Ed, Commander Crusher greeted her husband Captain Data, who was donned in dress uniform (the good version).

“Okay, the kids are with Will and Ro, Lieutenant Tarclay is hard at work, there hasn’t been a sign of Borg activity since Earth was captured and the Klingon Empire was crippled, let’s go meet that Tellarite ambassador,” Beverly said with newfound confidence and energy.

“I’m right beside you,” Data replied, now able to use contractions.

And together, they activated the site-to-site transport and beamed to the bridge, because turbolifts have become obsolete.

* * *

Fun fact, they’re actually still making both Super Sentai and Power Rangers in the 24th Century. They’ve used the dinosaur theme at least 187 times now. Everybody says it’s gonna get cancelled one of these days, but it was cheap to make in the 20th century, and the elimination of money has made it even cheaper now.

(Originally posted on The AV Club’s Review of “One in 8,000”)

Data was feeling… Data had a… he was… Beverly was trying to avoid… Beverly was having difficulties with…

Worf was confused.

He was watching Guinan’s ex, a Nausicaan named Ugmo, as he and Guinan worked on the sets and customes for Beverly’s latest play. But Ugmo not only seemed to be a perfectly nice individual, but he even had a thoughtful gift for Worf.

“I use this knife primarily to cut birthday cakes, but I’ve also found that the ch'blorgabla blade is perfect for disembowling an enemy,” Ugmo explained. “Its rotating tip allows you to-”

“Twist the knife, creating an even larger wound without expending any extra effort,” Worf finished, admiring the knife. “You honor me with this wheapon.”

Worf looked at Guinan, who was rolling her eyes, and wondered just what it was that turned her off about Ugmo.

Meanwhile, Commander Riker was doing his best to keep a deep secret from Ensign Ro. He always ended up spilling secrets in the past, inluding that Geordi totally lied about hooking up with Leah Brahms; Captain Picard blew off Commander Calvin Hutchinson’s funeral to go horseback riding; and that he convinced Admiral Ross to discharge Thomas Riker, leaving him no other option but to join the Maquis and get sent to Cardassian prison. But this secret was bigger than all those other secrets combined: Beverly was… she was…

So Worf talked to Guinan as she was sewing a gray hospital gown for Riker to wear.

“Guinan, I believe you have misjudged Ugmo,” the Klingon declared. “He is kind and resourceful.”

“I just don’t like that he wants to stay in all the time,” Guinan replied. “I’m not ready to settle down.”

“I see.”

“On the other hand, though, you do seem to be a lot better,” Guinan admitted. “You used to pretty much be our little Klingon attack dog before K'Ehleyr, Alexander, and the girls got to you.”

“Hmm… I had not considered that,” Worf said. “A large family may complicate matters, but we do always have each other, and we change each other.”

“In your case, the change was for the better,” Guinan said. “Cool, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go hit on a Nausicaan.”

As Guinan walked over to Ugmo and smacked him on the ass, Worf smiled to himself and returned to his quarters. Perhaps he and Alexander would try the Deadwood program today.

* * *

I think it’s going to be okay.