captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: stephen. stephen. huh. you know, i wonder how my life would be different fispelled it with a "v"? hmmm... ( laughter ) >> you're awesome, steven with a "v." >> stephen: i know! ( laughter ) i smoke? no, no, no. "p" "h" it is. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert."

tonight, stephen welcomes will forte. dermot mulroney. and wyatt cenac. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! thanks, everybody! woooo! wooo! guess what? thanks, everybody. that's very nice. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. and for this halloween ♪ i'll be a tree

( laughter ) well, i'm going to have wood. i don't know if i'm going to be a tree. well, there's one story everybody's talking about: game one of the world series between the chicago cubs and the cleveland indians. ( cheers and applause ) come on! what excitement, one imagines. because, we tape this show in the afternoon, so i did not actually see the game. but as the host of a topical late night show, i have a moral obligation to recap the game for you, so here it goes. ready? here we go. tonight there was incredible pitching, but obviously, hitting a big part of it. the game was a little slow at one point, but then really picked up when things happened, especially that one thing they're showing on the

highlightss, tonight. incredible. looks amazing. highlights. look amazing in slow motion, especially. it was an exciting start to the series for the winning team from that midwestern city that starts with the letter "c." their fans are clearly partying near the lake tonight and, of course, the losing fans are pretty sad standing by the lake. but if it's any comfort to the losing team's fans, that other city's football team really sucks. speaking of things that are sucking, obamacare. the government just announced that next year premiums are going up by 25%. i haven't seem obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans. ( laughter ) it explains why the picture on the obamacare website has gone from this... to this. so there it is. affordable healthcare will just

never work for this country. insane medical bills are as american as hot dogs, apple pie, and the $3,600 bill to remove the hot dog lodged in your apple pie hole. ( applause ) it's not the hole you think. ( laughter ) and the next president clearly will have to come in and clean us this mess. unless it's trump, in which case, all health care will be replaced by a "dr. oz" episode about calf implants. ( applause ) speaking of donald trump, i'm starting to worry about our future not-president. ( laughter ) some weird stuff. ( applause ) some weird stuff happening on stage with him. yesterday, he held a rally in

tampa, florida, and you might want to get the children out of the room because things got pretty steamy. there he is on stage, saying hi to the crowd, going over to hug one of his loved ones, and it's an american flag. yes, that's right. donald trump just groped the american flag. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ you know, they let you do that if you're a star. i feel sorry for the flag. flag had to take it, because those colors don't run. this is true. i was actually watching tv last night. i saw this when it happened. i was having a conversation my wife, and i said, wait. and i had to watch that three times last night to make sure i wasn't having a stroke.

jim, can we see the magic moment? we didn't mock that up. that is insane. he knows we salute the flag in america, right? we don't dry hump it. ( cheers and applause ) oh! oh! who does that? i don't even know how to describe what he's doing. he's guessing it a reach-around. i'm not sure. this is the moment in the movie where we find out he's an alien, by the way. this might be the only time in history a flag burns itself. ( cheers and applause ) how many more? one, two, three. how many more? i got another one. okay, one more. it's really surprising to see trump going after old glory like that. normally, he goes for much younger glory. amazingly, that's not the weirdest story to come out of a trump rally recently. listen to what he said today in florida:

>> i love the signs behind me, "blacks for trump." i like those signs. "blacks for trump." you watch. you watch. >> stephen: well, we did watch. and that sign right behind him is being held by a middle-aged white lady. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sure there's an explanation. i'm sure there's an explanation. maybe her name is doris black and she's there proudly representing the black family. also, we can't see the back of the sign. maybe it says "blacks for trump, might exist somewhere." ( laughter ) ( applause ) she's just like wooo! wooo!

a giant credit card or something. i'm not sure. but despite trump's appeal to america's palest african americans, some members of the g.o.p. are trying to distance themselveses from donald trump. in fact, five republicans are threatening lawsuits over tv ads linking them to donald trump. yes, the trump name is not what it used to be. in fact, the trump tower has now changed its name to "building." just a building. doesn't matter who built me. it doesn't matter who built me. come in here! and i don't blame republicans for being upset. take the case of florida congressman and the friendliest name for a pirate, david jolly. we're going to candy island. one imagines a pirate with that name would say.

democrats couldn't find any photos tying jolly to trump, so they just photoshopped trump with his arm around jolly. that is not fair, democrats. with photoshop, you can make anyone seem like friends, even hillary and bill clinton. ( applause ) and if you're gong to photoshop someone, at least make it interesting. make it a three-way with trump, jolly, and american flag. ( cheers and applause ) jolly is cut. that guy is cut. very fit. point is, democrats are dragging everyone into this election, even me. yes, this is good. because today, we at the "late show" found out we're a wikileak! yup. yeah. i'm happy about it, too. as you know, wikileaks has been releasing emails from the clinton campaign, because they're committed to

transparency-- or however you say "transparency" in russian. ( russian accent ) transparenchnik. ( laughter ) transparenchnik. well, julien assange just pinched out another wiki-dump, and it included a clinton campaign email from last year, when i had vice president joe biden on my show. team clinton was very suspicious that biden was going to make a major announcement. one clinton staffer wrote, "my prediction: biden announces his run on stephen colbert's show. i don't think he'd take him unless he was making news." yeah, you got me there. you got me there. why would i talk to the vice president of the united states unless he was making news? otherwise, you're just stuck in a boring conversation with joe biden. and they were scared of biden running. another clinton staffer responded, "lord, have mercy." and the lord did have mercy on clinton. not only did biden not run, but

lo, god hath granted us a trump. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. will forte is here. but when we return, i will go live to amish country and ask why they're willing to be on tv. so stick around. ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band!

jon, i'm excited. you have a very special guest sitting in with the band tonight. who do you here? >> jon: oh, yes, indeed. ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause for mitski. >> stephen: thai, thank you for being here. thank you for joining us. we'll hear some songs from mitski's new album, "puberty 2" tonight. i'm very excited. i am presently going through puberty, 2. hair showing up in places. quite alarming. folks, with donald trump falling behind in the polls, he needs every vote he can get. especially in swing states like

pennsylvania, where a pro trump pac is trying to court the amish vote. this is the perfect demographic for trump. they're the only voters left who haven't googled him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) one selling point for the amish is that trump is a builder, and the amish are known for building. and, apparently, the amish like the fact that trump has a family-owned business, whereas hillary clinton has a business-owned family. now, in order to seal the deal, they even put up a billboard in amish country that reads, "vote trump: hardworking, pro-life, and family dedicated... just like you." in fact, trump is so dedicated to family, he can't stop starting them. hard line tow say. ( cheers and applause ) now, i wanted to find out how into trump the amish really are, so i invited an amish voter from pennsylvania to talk with us about it. please welcome live via

satellite, zachariah miller, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being on the show, mr. miller. >> oh, my pleasure, english. >> stephen: now, zachariah, are the amish really trump supporters? >> well, absolutely. just look at my hat. i've even quilted one of mr. trump's proverbs. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's very sweet. that's very speet. so what is it you like about him? >> well, for one, he's a great builder. in fact, he helped me raise my barn. i'll bet that's what the barns in heaven look like. >> stephen: okay. but what about hillary clinton? do any amish like her? >> oh, no! we hate her. >> stephen: why? >> the emails!

>> stephen: you're mad she deleted them? >> no, we're mad that she uses emails at all. they're the devil's thank you notes. plus, she wears no bonnet, the temptress! unlike mr. trump, who humbly covers his head with plenty of hay for his horses. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, zachariah, but what trump's lewd language and lusty behavior? >> oh, i don't judge, stephen. i'm on rumspringa right now, which means i'm free to enjoy all sorts of sinful activities, like appearing on your moving picture program, or all the ecstasy i'm currently doing! ( laughter ) right here. want some? they're freshly churned! >> stephen: no, thank you. >> i can feel colors! >> stephen: i can tell. that looks like a lot of fun. thank you very much, but i'm good. so the amish believe trump would be a good leader. >> oh, absolutely not.

no. that's what we like about him! >> stephen: what do you mean? >> well, he'll destroy this country! and then we'll be the ones who are technologically advanced! with our plows and churns and candlemaking, we'll be lords of the after-scape! kneel before me, stephen! worship at my button-less boots! >> stephen: zachariah miller, everybody. >> by the way, do you have any more ecstasy ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with will forte! ♪ ♪thunder ♪

♪thunder ♪ ♪ ♪thunder ♪ where do you think you're going-going, girl? ♪ ♪ ♪ girl, where do you think you're going? ♪ my swthis scarf all thatsara. left to remem... what! she washed this like a month ago the long lasting scent of gain flings i'm hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. but that doesn't stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. that'd be devastating. i took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about once-daily xarelto... a latest generation blood thinner. then i made the switch. xarelto® significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. it has similar effectiveness to warfarin.

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but pat toomey actually owned a bank. most people owe the bank. and when he went to washington, he voted to change the laws... to benefit wall street and banks like his. voting to gut consumer protections that crack down... on predatory lending and fraud. to take money from you and... line the pockets of wall street millionaires like... himself. pat toomey: out for himself, all in for wall street. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi, so pretty. that was so pretty. that's such a pretty wack ground. welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an actor,

writer, and comedian. his new book is "101 things to definitely not do if you want to get a chick." please welcome the very funny will forte. >> stephen: that's awfully nice. that's awfully nice. that's a tuxedo jacket. >> i have put on a little weight recently, and this is the jacket that fit, so... the pant are a different color. >> stephen: but it doesn't matter. it looks very hip. >> thank you. >> stephen: like devil may care. >> my himself have gotten bigger and i thank you for bringing that up. >> stephen: are you gaining the weight for a part? >> i gained the weight while i was doing a part. >> stephen: that is good. that is good. but your tuxedo is your largest garment? >> currently there is-- i have bigger ones, but they're too big. so this was the one that worked with the pants that fit.

( laughter ) barely. i'm doing all i can. >> stephen: you're fantastic. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: you look absolutely fantastic. >> so do you. >> stephen: thank you very much, very kind, very kind. i understand before we get started here you having in you need to get off your chest. >> yes, i feel very bad. there was-- i went to visit some friends last night, jason sedaikis and olivia wilde. no big deal. i'm friends with them. >> stephen: hold on, hold on. >> whatever. i didn't want to make a big deal out of it. but it was, you know, those two pretty big-time celebrities, and i'm friends with them. no, but that has nothing to do with this, except for that's where i was. but i called an uber to leave, and the uber shows up. i get in the car, and immediately, i was hit with this, like, flowery smell. and so i wanted to be friendly with this guy. i was in a good mood. and i said, "it smells wonderful in here." and he kind of looked back and made this weird, like, embarrassed smile and said,

"yeah, yeah." and i didn't know what the heck that meant. and then we took off, like, 10 seconds later, the windows were down. and then i realized it-- the odor was covering up this man's horrible body odor problem. it was a big problem. and, like, so, i think this guy thought that i was, like, passive aggressively saying, "you reek, dude." ( laughter ) and so it was the most uncomfortable ride. i can't say, "hey, i didn't know that you smelled so bad our wouldn't have said that." so-- ( laughter ) so, just-- i just, you know, so i just wanted to say-- apologize to the stinky ubercar driver. >> stephen: he knows who you are, obviously? >> probably. i mean... no, i'm kidding. no, no, no, jason or olivia was not in the car, so there was not

probably a recognizable face. i am friends with those guys, though, isn't that cool? >> stephen: you're friends with a lot of famous people because you're a famous person. i understand this was like homecoming for you. you actually worked in this building. you wrote for letterman. >> it was one of the most exciting things. he's one of my heroes. >> stephen: mine, too. >> i sent him these cartoons that i drew -- >> that's a nice segway. you have "101 things to definitely not do if you want to get a chick." >> yeah, these are the first things that i ever wrote in comedy. it was the very first thing. i was 24 years old. sent them to letterman. got hired here mainly because of that. the pact i turned in was dog crap. it was not good. ( laughter ) so, you know, now 22 years later, somebody is letting me publish them. >> stephen: so what were you doing at the time when you drew these? >> i was working at a music publishing company. >> stephen: and doing what? >> i was-- i would just tape

tapes. ( laughter ) like, there were tape-to-tape things. >> stephen: that sounds made up. >you sound made up. >> i'm serious. i without pulled in a tape with a song on it and wait for four minutes while this thing dubbed. we didn't have a high-speed dub thing. i was waiting and i had time to kill so i started drawing some of these -- >> let's look at some of these stupid drawings of yours. proudly stupid. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'll hold them up, and you describe-- these are things not to do if you want to get a chick or a girl. however you feel about that. this is something to not do. >> never take board games too seriously. sp then one says, "you whore, mrs. carter. you sunk my battleship." that's good advice. that's solid advice. you don't want to, you know, that was-- like, that's-- >> stephen: take a look at that one. >> "never pretend you're a giant pork." ( laughter )

"feel how sharp my tines are. i can pick up meats of all different grades and texts." if you do that -- >> this one is my favorite. i thought maybe she would like this, but you're saying a woman would not like this. >> "never tattoo her face on your face." it's a good-- it's solid advice. >> stephen: so you're 24 years old. >> 24 years old. >> stephen: did you show these-- did you show these to anyone? because these are also commitment papers. these are like-- did you show these to anymore when you were 24? >> i did show them to my girlfriend at the time, and she did not like them. but i gotta say, like -- >> i love them. >> i was 24 and single. and i'm 46 and single. so you've got to listen to what i'm saying here. this is good advice! >> stephen: why would anyone listen to you if you're still single at 46? ( laughter ) ( applause ) have you had a bad date? have you had a particularly bad

date? you know? >> i've had a lot of bad dates. plenty of bad dates. >> stephen: any particularly disastrous first bad dates? >> i didn't go out once with this girl, and a person came up and said-- we were hanging around, and this person came up and said-- it was while i was working at "is the night live." >> stephen: you were famous at this point. >> yeah, i didn't know jason or olivia yet. but that was to come. that was destined. anyway, this person comes up and says like, "oh, you know what? you know who you look like?" and i was getting ready to play it cool with this girl and go, "yeah, i'm on that show, yeah. that's me." and she said, "quentin tarantino." and i go, "oh." it did not work in the same way i was expecting it to. and i'm 46 and single so things did not move forward with that woman. >> stephen: well, you, you know, you also do "the last man

on earth" which is the third season coming up. >> yes. >> stephen: great show. ( applause ) you seem like a fun guy. you took the whole cast and crew out for a fun outing here. this is-- what is this called? you took the whole-- >> it's called a bar-cycle, or bar sickle. it was or first day back when we started writing. we got all the writers together and surprised them and went down to main street in santa monica, and the cast met up with us -- >> you pedal from bar it bar? >> you pedal from bar to bar. >> stephen: there is a bar on the giant bicycle. >> there is a bar on there and there are legitimate bars as well, and we were just kind of going to different place s. >> stephen: someone was steering. someone was steering hopefully. >> someone is steering, and someone is doing the brakes. i don't know if you can tell-- this guy right here is just kind of laying down the whole time. you feel kind of bad for him. i don't even know what his

function is. >> stephen: who is this-- ted danson was following us in the car because mary was just like, "i want to psycheole there with the riders." >> stephen: his wife, mary steen beveragen was on the cycle with you, but he just followed? >> he just followed. he's the best guy of all time, a doting husband. >> stephen: a designated driver on a totally different vehicle. >> yes. >> stephen: that's really safe. lovely to see you. i understand you actually have trouble saying gone at parties, good-bye at parties and stuff like that. >> i do. i have a touch of o.c.d.s. it's mainly like checking things and patterns and stuff. but one of the things, i need closure on everything. i do have-- it just takes forever to get me -- >> you say bye to everyone. >> i say bye to everyone and everything. >> stephen: i want to say good-bye to you. do you want to say good-bye to everyone in the audience before you go? >> i don't want to. i have to. >> stephen: will, thank you so much for being here.

"101 things to definitely not do if you want to get a chick" is available now. will forte, everybody. we'll be right back with dermot mulroney. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

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hey, don't shoot the messenger, but that other messenger? he's been lying to you about katie mcginty. the truth is, in government and business katie mcginty's been a leader in clean energy. she's never done anything illegal or improper. turns out, the smears against mcginty are paid for by special interests and wall street billionaires

who've spent 20 million dollars to keep their guy, pat toomey, in washington. that's the real message. majority forward is responsible for the content of this advertising. ?oelt ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you, mitski. will, will, how's it going so far? >> it's going all right. i've worked my way through this area right here, except for one gentleman right over here who refused. >> stephen: all right. good luck. good luck. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you. >> i appreciate you letting me to do this. >> stephen: seek help. ( laughter ) my next guest stars in the new cbs show, "pure genius." please welcome my old friend

dermot mulroney. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> >> stephen: nice to see you. >> hey, it's nice to see you, too, steve glen you know, i say "old friend" because i would like us to have been friends. >> that's me, too. >> stephen: because we went to northwestern university together. >> at exactly the same tame. >> stephen: same time. and-- and-- we did not become friends. we were friend adjacent. >> that's exactly right. we were on a parallel track. >> stephen: right. >> yeah. >> stephen: one of us-- >> one of us became, you know, has his own comedy empire. >> stephen: yes, but wait a second, we both auditioned for the college improv show. >> like a second city kind of comedy show. >> stephen: and one of us got in, and it weren't me. me. it was.

( cheers and applause ) >> it was me. >> stephen: i remember-- yeah. so fantastic. payback is a beneficiar bitch, . >> i know. is that why my seat is so low. >> stephen: you were friends with all the cool people. >> the part that you don't know is i was actually in the commit they chose the rest-- not true. not true. >> stephen: oh, the fix was in, man. >> no, no we'd have been lucky to have you. >> stephen: george newberg and mariety diprima, that whole hip crowd pup know i'm right. >> i do. >> stephen: you know i'm right. >> i do. >> stephen: and then you became one of the first people out of northwestern to be famous do, famous stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: here at cbs actually. >> that's right. that's what happened to me. >> stephen: you had your first-- what was the name of your-- you did some, like, movie. >> it's a movie of the weekend. it was back when the networks had those sunday night movies. this one was called "sin of innocence." >> stephen: what was "sin of

innocencof"innocence about? >> s the guy, tim eye even remember his name, tim, his dad marries his girlfriend, who also what a high schooler, but she's a girl and now you have step-mothestepstepbrother and sn the same house and it's a meas. like a 1980s mess. >> stephen: we have a clip here-- yes, we co. so this is dermot mulroney making his broadcast premiere, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: as the-- the character is tim. and the character's back story is that his name is tim. >> the back story is his name is tim. >> stephen: very deep character. >> and he goes to high school. >> stephen: goes to high school, and jimmy. >> this is cruel. >> this period is unsettling in a lot of ways. vicki and i have the right to expect everyone to adjust.

>> and we have no right at all. >> what? >> that's how it feels, dad. >> tim, i don't think that's fair. >> what i mean is that this is terrific for and you vicki, and i'm glad for you, but i didn't ask for it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: heartbreaking. it's heartbreaking. heartbreaking, dermot. >> it still resonates today. >> stephen: that's bill bigsby. you don't want to make him mad. he's the hulk. let me ask you, this dermot. the new show on cbs, you've come back to the fold. >> i have. >> stephen: it's called "pure genius." >> "pure genius." >> stephen: are you the genius? >> i'm one of the geniuses but a tech millionaire opens a cutting edge hospital. what you get with "pure genius" is a great medical drama but it's full of this technical gizmos and newfangled stuff.

that's the technical term. >> stephen: that's the cutting edge is the newfangled, is what everybody is looking for. >> innovations. >> stephen: he's the maverick billionaire. you're the maverick surgeon. >> right. >> stephen: and together you maverick things. >> that's what we do. >> stephen: okay. so here it is, here's some can th"puregenius." >> i don't know if i can do it. >> you're the best there is. you'll nail it. >> this isn't programming a computer. there is only one way to remove the tumor and a million ways it could go wrong-- my scalpel missby a millimeter i could puncture her heart and we've lost margot and the baby. >> what if i give you a million chances to get it right? ( applause ). >> 3d print out a heart. >> stephen: build a human body out of leggos. >> they build a human body.

it's a great show. it ain't no "sin of innocence," but it only took cbs 30 years to-- to recognize that i had some value you. >> stephen: had a fallback position because you're also a cellist. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah, i'm a professional cellist. >> stephen: i was going to say. professional cellist. it's not what you're known for. it's not what you're known for necessarily. but you've been in movie scores. is that true? >> even next week i have a date on "los alamos." i'm a union musician who gets called in. i played on "utopia" "inside out" all the "mission impossibles" "planet of the apes" "dawn of the planet of the apes." "john carter" was a great score. not a great movie. >> stephen: do you ever hear yourself and go, "wooo! that's me." >> no, i can't even tell that

story. it was bad one time. here it goes real quick, stephen. i'm in the scoring session, in the orchestra and i was in the movie and the director thought it would be cool. the video freezes. the whole studio breaks down and stops and freezes on a scene where i'm naiked from behind. >> stephen: how long ago was this? >> this was about 10 years ago. >> stephen: okay. >> in my adult life. >> stephen: good. >> what's good about it? how could that be good? >> stephen: if somebody was going to see my butt on camera, i would definitely want the butt from 10 years ago. you can play us out as we go out to the commercial break? >> yes. >> stephen: dermot, lovely to see you. watch "pure genius" on cbs starting this thursday. dermot mulroney, everybody. we'll be right back. with comedian wyatt cenac. ( cheers and applause )

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owhat we value, how we treato others. and now they're looking to see what kind of leaders we choose. who we'll entrust our country and their future to. will it be the one respected around the world, or the one who frightens our allies and emboldens our enemies? the one with the deep understanding of the challenges we face, or the one who is unprepared for them? a steady hand? or a loose cannon? common sense and unity, or drama and division? a woman who's spent her life helping children and families, or a man who's spent his life helping himself? our children are looking to us. what example will we set? what kind of country will we be? hillary clinton, because we're stronger together. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.

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of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how. like me, she has pennsylvania working class roots, biden: this is what i know about katie mcginty - and she's never abandoned them. hard work. family. playing it straight. that's katie. and the ads attacking her? they're a bunch of malarkey. katie's career is about looking out for families like yours. creating jobs, keeping our environment safe. she's a wife, a mom, a basketball fan, a homework supervisor. she's like you and she'll fight for you in the united states senate. i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message. i've always taken on the status quo. in harrisburg, they didn't like it when i stopped their perks and pushed for reform. as head of pennsylvania's third-largest county, i cut out wall street middlemen to protect pensions. now, as chairman of the pennsylvania commission on crime, i'm leading the fight to stop the epidemic of heroin and opioid abuse.

as attorney general, i'll prosecute anyone who scams our seniors. and i'll hold the oil and gas companies accountable to keep our drinking water safe. i'm josh shapiro. i'll be an attorney general who always fights for you. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) my next guest is an emmy-winning comedian, actor, and writer. please welcome wyatt cenac! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> how are you. >> stephen: i'm doing fine. come on up.

that was very nice of you. very few of the guests ask me how i'm doing when they walk out here. that was very nice of you. >> i want to make sure you're okay. >> stephen: i feel very comfortable. thank you very much. are you doing all right? >> i feel all right. i feel a little inadequate after will went and shook everybody's hands. >> stephen: you can do the same damn thing. we're all very open and loving here. >> i'm not crazy about human interaction. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you got what you wanted, which is nothing. >> right, yeah, but then it was like, oh, and dermot mulroney plays an instrument. i don't know how to play an instrument. >> stephen: i'm sure you have-- i'm sure you have hiddenital enlts. >> they're hiding well. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: good. >> they're very hidden. >> stephen: we're going to find them, man. >> maybe. >> stephen: you and i-- you and i met under unusual circumstances. >> we did. >> stephen: yeah, this was a period of time in-- what year was it? '96? >> '96. >> stephen: yeah, '96. for one month i was a guest writer over at "s.n.l.."

i really, really wanted a job, wanted a writing job. and it didn't happen. >> there's still time. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) and one night i was having a so, game and you were an intern there, right? >> i was an intern. yeah. i was 19 years old, and i was an intern at "s.n.l." and i was living in brooklyn with my grandmother while i did the internship. so she didn't have cable or anything, so i would hang out at "s.n.l." like, after hours, and watch tv. and she didn't have a computer, either. she was amish. ( laughter ) so, yeah, so i would just stay and work on the computer and watch television and colin quinn and norm mcdonald would always get into these, like, late-night soccer games in the hallway. >> stephen: kind of driving everybody crazy. >> yeah. i mean, but as a 19-year-old it was kind of like, "this is amazing!" so, yeah ( laughter ). >> stephen: i was 31 and i was like, "this is amazing." i felt the same way. i was a guest writer and would jump in on the soccer games.

it was like 3:00 in the morning and people were on deadline trying to get the scripts down. it was a friday night. i would hang out with norm and sometimes write on "weekend update, "and norm got into a huge fight one night. >> yes. >> stephen: in the soccer game. and it was with you. >> yes, that's true. what happened you were in the game as well, i believe. >> stephen: it was me and norm against and you colin. >> at some point-- early in the game, colin and norm had been jawing at each other. >> stephen: yeah, they'd been fighting. >> and norm was also trying to quit smoking so he was extra agitated. and i-- and at some point, norm and i got into a bit of a scrum for the ball, and i wound up clipping him in the shin, and then he got really mad, like you do when you're trying to quit smoking. ( laughter ) and grabbed me. tried to throw me across the room, which is not how soccer is played. ( laughter )

and i pushed him off me. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> >> because i was 19 and didn't really understand, like, stations of power. and then we got into a shoving match and started yelling at each other. >> stephen: and colin and i pulled 200apart. >> right, yes. >> stephen: yeah. and the part about the story i-- i enjoy the story-- i enjoy the story, but the part i enjoy about the story is the way i-- one of the first times you and i had a conversation was about our period of time both briefly at "s.n.l." and i told you that story not remembering you were the kid that norm was fighting. >> right, yeah. >> stephen: and you went-- >> yeah, that's me. >> stephen: so that's kind of how we met. >> yes. but very weird to meet again because i think we were shooting a promo for "daily show, ""colbert report" election coverage. >> stephen: right, the night obama was elected, that night, right? >> no, we were shooting a promo

for it. >> stephen: no, that night, a promo for that night. >> yeah. he did get elected, right? >> stephen: yeah. >> things have been a little hazy for me. >> stephen: so now you've got a show called people. >> of aircraft. people abducted by aliens, and it's a support group. >> it's a show about a support group for people who think they've been abducted by aliens. >> stephen: and you shot this in canada. >> yeah, we filmed in toronto, canada. >> stephen: do you like those people? >> well now that, like, seven of them jufd "wooo'd" i feel compelled to say yes. and the crowd had been "errr" i would have been like toronto is the worst. >> stephen: we are also broadcasting in canada right now. >> oh, you're great! >> stephen: you became a muppet very quickly. >> i don't lie well. >> stephen: well, would you come back and maybe you and i owld fight or something like that. >> sure, we should --

>> that would be fun. >> we should have a soccer fight. >> stephen: you, me, norm, and colin and try to settle this. >> i would like to recreate that with our current knees and himself. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: "people of earth" premieres next monday on tbs. wyatt cenac, everybody! we'll be right back.

i served under president bush and obama. i fought the taliban. i was asked to form a global coalition to counter isil. when someone makes the comment that they know more about the islamic state or isil than do the generals, it implies a complete ignorance of the reality. but i believe secretary clinton really understands the threat that the islamic state poses to the united states and to the american people. and i believe she understands how to wield american power to ultimately defeat this threat and to keep us safe. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.

>> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be joel mchale, abbi jacobson, and jon glaser. now stick around for james corden and his guests, matt leblanc and jeffrey dean morgan. good night, everybody! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the