RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: A is for article 50, B is for backstop... Uncle Rich's A to Z of remain

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As we get closer to the day we are supposed to leave the EU, every news bulletin brings another harbinger of imminent Armageddon if we don’t swallow Mother Theresa’s dismal, defeatist ‘deal’.

I thought the parcel bombs this week were a nice touch. Project Fear has been warning the IRA will start kicking off again unless we sign up to the so-called ‘Irish backstop’.

We’re told the bombs had Dublin postmarks, but I shouldn’t be surprised if they were sent from closer to home by increasingly desperate Remoaners.

Confused? You’re supposed to be. The politicians are trying to batter us all into submission. If you’re anything like me, you reach for the remote whenever the word ‘Brexit’ is mentioned.

Sometimes, though, there’s no escape. So I’ve assembled an A-Z of Brexit, listing the lexicon of doublespeak and some of the leading runners and riders, in dictionary form. You’ll find the real meaning of each expression in italics . . .

Richard Littlejohn has assembled an A-Z of Brexit, listing the lexicon of doublespeak and some of the leading runners and riders, in dictionary form

A is for Article 50 Extension. Remain.

B for Backstop, Irish; Blind Brexit; BRINO; Brexit means Brexit (May, Theresa). Remain.

C for Chequers plan; Customs Union; Customs Territory; Common Rule Book; Crashing Out; Cliff Edge; Chlorinated chicken from America; Corbyn, Jeremy, lifelong anti-EU campaigner, now backing Norway Option (see elsewhere). Remain.

D for Deal, as in ‘Theresa May’s Deal is the only one on the table’; Dave, Call Me, ‘It will be your decision and we will honour it’; Delay Article 50 (see above). Remain.

E for Extension, see Article 50; ECJ jurisdiction, temporary; Emergency, National, to be declared in the event of No Deal. Remain.

F for Free Movement; Future Relationship; Frictionless Trade; Facilitated Customs Arrangement; Far Right. Remain.

G for Guaranteed rights for foreign nationals; also, Gove, Michael, former Leave campaigner who wants to become Prime Minister and now claims that opposing Theresa May’s Deal (see above) will ‘damage democracy’. Remain.

H for Hard Brexit, as in, end of the world as we know it; Honda to quit Britain because of Brexit, even though it’s not true; Hammond, aka Spread Fear Phil. Remain.

I for Implementation Period, also see Transition Period; IRA, as in ‘they haven’t gone away, you know’. Remain.

J for Jobs Brexit, as millions will be sacked in the event of a Hard Brexit (see above). Remain.

K for KitKats, disappearing from shelves after No-Deal Brexit. Remain.

L for Leave. Remain.

M for Mars Bars, which will disappear from the shelves, etc (see Kit Kats, above); Medicine shortages; Meaningless jargon like Meaningful Vote. Remain.

N for Norway Option; No Deal is better than a Bad Deal (May, Theresa); No one voted to be poorer. Remain.

O for Osborne, George Gideon, aka ‘Nine Jobs George’, former Chancellor who promised to honour the referendum result (see also, Dave, Call Me) and has since moved heaven and earth to stop Brexit; Olly, as in Robbins, fanatically pro-EU civil servant, put in charge of Leave negotiations. Remain.

P for Project Fear; People’s Vote; Parliament, as in must be given the final say; Passports, which will become invalid after No Deal. Remain.

Q for Queen, The, who will be evacuated to Canada in event of No Deal. Remain.

R for Rudd, Amber, Cabinet minister sister of Rudd, Roland, the PR spiv running Project Fear (see above); also for Respect the outcome of the referendum, as in, we promise to; Red Lines, which we will not cross. Remain.

S for Single Market; Soft Brexit; Sensible Brexit; Second Referendum; Soubry, Anna; Sheep, millions of which will have to be slaughtered in the event of No Deal, etc. Remain.

T for Transition Period; Troubles, return of; Taking Back Control; Toyota to quit Britain because of Brexit, even though it’s not true (see also Honda). Remain.

U for Umunna, Chucky, who stomped out of the Labour Party, demanding a second referendum; Ukip (see Far Right); Ultras, smear used against those democrats who want to uphold the wishes of 17.4 million Leave voters. Remain.

V for Vote (see Meaningful and People’s, above); Verucca, Lenny, pipsqueak Irish Prime Minister, trying to stop Brexit; VAT, as in Valued Added Tax — not large one, please, Dave — which will continue to be imposed by Brussels after Withdrawal Agreement (see below). Remain.

W for Workers’ Rights, protected in line with EU; mrs may’s Withdrawal Agreement or no Brexit at all. Remain.

X for Xenophobes, common smear used against Leave voters, along with Little Englanders, racists, etc (see also Ultras, Far Right, Ukip). Remain.

Y for Your Decision will be implemented, blah, blah, blah, blatant lie from all leading politicians. Remain.

Z for ZZZZZZZZ . . . the boredom of most sane British people, which is what all those plotting to stop us leaving the EU are relying upon to prevent it ever happening.